View Full Version : The Jokes Thread
Inquisitor
09-02-2002, 02:35 AM
A mother was buying her daughter a pair of shoes and whilst trying
them on, the daughter asks, "Why have they got L and R written on
them?". Her mother replied, "So you know which feet to put them on."
Her daughter then says, "Is that why I have C&A written on my knickers?".
What do a Nun and '7-UP' have in common?
Never had it - Never will!
What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
Hop in.
What is the difference between true love and herpes?
Herpes lasts forever.
Why don't girls like to date basketball players?
You never know if they're going to dribble or shoot.
What do the gynaecologist and the Pizza delivery man have in common?
They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.
lol ,i c u made the thread i asked ya ;)ill post some jokes soon aswell.
Three men were talking about their favoured sexual positions. The first one said, "I like to be on top, it gives me a sense of power". The second says, "I like to be on the bottom, I can then see and play with her tits." The third one says, "I like to have some excitement in my life, so I like to have a RODEO ***k."
The other two asked "What's a Rodeo ***k?" "Well, you grab your woman, bend her over and go for it from behind, making sure you have a firm hold on her. Then when you see she's enjoying it, you say to her - 'You know, this is exactly how your sister likes to get it too'. Then try and hold on for 8 seconds". ;)
Inquisitor
09-02-2002, 02:51 AM
LMAO, good one m8:grin2:
u got ne more,i got a few more good ones and some very lame ones :grin2:
ABA have u ot ne jokes 2 tell :grin2:
ok here.....my 1st joke ever!!!!
Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
lol :)
here's my first joke
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
lol...good one aba... but i heard it before;)
Inquisitor
09-02-2002, 03:36 AM
LOL @col and ABA keep em coming
@col have u heard the one about little johnny
A blonde walks into a hardware store and asks the salesman, "Can I buy that TV?"
The owner answers, "I don't sell TV's to blondes!" So the blonde dyes her hair and asks the some question, but she gets the same answer. So she shaves her head and goes back and asks again, but yet again she gets the same answer.
"How did you know I was a blonde?" she asks."
"Because," he replies, "that's a microwave oven."
Inquisitor
09-02-2002, 03:45 AM
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
Colt .45
09-02-2002, 03:46 AM
One day this Mark asks his mum round for dinner, Mark lives in a flat with a girl called cindy but he insists that they are not 2gether. While the evening goes on, Marks mum notices that Mark and cindy sem very close and wonders if there is something going on. marks mother asks him if they are sleeping 2gether and mark insists that they are not. sometime after she is gone, cindy notices that a varse is missing from the mantelpiece. So, mark e-mails his mother and says:
Dear mother, I'm not saying you did take a varse from here and i'm not saying you didnt take a vase from here, but since you left, there has been a vase missing from here.
love Mark
A few days later marks mum e-mails back and says:
Dear mark, i'm not saying that you do sleep with cindy and i'm not sayin you dont sleep with cindy but if cindy had been sleeping in her own bed she would have realised that the vase is in her bed
love (marcks mum<cant think of a name)
the moral of the story is
DONT LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!
its not as funny as the other jokes but it is quite good i think
Cheers,COLT
i think u guys heard this one?
The teacher was telling her students in the sex education class about human anatomy. She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of the female and said, "the female has two breasts and one vagina."
She then pointed to the male picture and said, "The male has one penis."
Little Johnny jumped up from his seat and said, "That's wrong teacher."
"Why do you think I'm wrong, Little Johnny?" begged the teacher.
My daddy has two of them," explained Little Johnny. "One that's about three inches long that he pees with, and another one that's about eight inches long that he brushes the babysitter's teeth with!"
good one peeps.... nope havent heard urs aba.... heard dan's one though;)...... but keep them short please..... im too lazy to read the long ones:grin2:
i know same here i don't like reading longs ones but if there funny i will :)
ummmm....how would u know if its funny or not if u havent read them;):grin2:
1:
Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side
2:
An old woman walks into a doctors office.She says "My farts don't stink and they make no sound." The doctor give her pills and tells her to come back in a week.A week later she comes back and says "My farts stink but they still don't make a sound"
The doctors turns to his nurse and says "The sinus pills worked but now she needs a hearing aid"
3:
One day a doctor calls an elderly man and tells him he has some good news and some bad news about his condition.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The old man says,"That's the good news?! Then what's the bad news?"
The doctor calmly replies,"I was supposed to tell you yesterday."
:grin2: :D
the first few sentences ;)
LOL @ dan's #3..... that really sucks if that really happened.. but very funny:grin2:
it would b on the annoying side wouldnt it,......col have u got ne jokes
NorthViking
09-02-2002, 04:06 AM
Originally posted by BRICK
What do the gynaecologist and the Pizza delivery man have in common?
They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.
PML !!:grin2: :D
An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.
The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."
The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."
The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."
The old woman responded, "Damn it, he's peeing in the fridge again!"
Bandit
09-02-2002, 09:16 AM
LOL good one.
Loonytune15
09-02-2002, 12:01 PM
Great thread keep up the good work guys :D
Inquisitor
09-02-2002, 02:46 PM
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what
was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say
things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Loonytune15
09-03-2002, 06:37 AM
lmao :D :D :D
TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IN SURGERY
1 Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
2 Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
3 Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!
4 Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!
5 Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
6 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
7 "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
8 Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
9 "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, he's got two of'em
10 What do you mean "You want a divorce?"
Inquisitor
09-03-2002, 01:24 PM
LOL good ones ABA
micro761
09-03-2002, 01:27 PM
I like number 7
lol!
NorthViking
09-03-2002, 03:42 PM
good jokes ABA, rofl !!
Two blondes are having lunch catching up with each other's news.
"I heard you've given up smoking, is it true?"
"Yes, I haven't had a cigarette in almost two months."
"But you were such a heavy smoker, you must tell me your secret. I've
tried everything to quit."
"Well it's really quite simple. Every time I get the urge to smoke a
cigarette, I suck on a LifeSaver instead"
"Well that's easy for you, but I don't live near the beach ;)
Inquisitor
09-03-2002, 05:23 PM
Q: What do Osama Bin Laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q. What's the national bird of Afghanistan?
A. Duck!!
Q. Why do they call the camel "the ship of the desert?"
A. Because it's full of Arab semen!
Q. Why are there no TV's in Afghanistan?
A. Because of the Telly ban.
Q. Why does Osama Bin Laden have a beard?
A. He wants to look like his mother.
lol... i like aba's 10 things one...:)
i aslo like # 7
DRUNK DRIVING
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar waiting to catch any drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
Inquisitor
09-04-2002, 04:26 AM
A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
"Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions."
"What? How could you?"
"Let me tell you about it," she said.
"The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free."
"Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?"
"Do you remember that VP of Sales promotion you desperately wanted, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and he gave you the job."
"Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful.
And so, what about the third time?" "Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become president of the Golf Club, and you were missing 53 votes..."
Inquisitor
09-06-2002, 05:16 AM
Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.
DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.
DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.
Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.
OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.
Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.
NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard.
Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building.
CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home
NiNjA_X
09-06-2002, 07:21 AM
oh mad keeep it up
DJ_YaMuK
09-06-2002, 07:33 AM
lol!! funny jokes!!!!
Loonytune15
09-06-2002, 07:55 AM
You the man Brick
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean.............)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I'm waiting for a rich Sugardaddy.)
6. I've got a boyfriend. (I've got a vibrator.)
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (One look at you and I'm ready to swear off men altogether.)
...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.) :grin2: :D
Loonytune15
09-09-2002, 12:59 PM
damm
Ways to say ur zips is undone
20.The cucumber has left the slad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
And the number one way to tell someone their fly is unzipped...
1. I thought you were crazy, now I see your nuts
Inquisitor
09-09-2002, 11:52 PM
:grin2: Some good ones there m8
Inquisitor
09-10-2002, 12:02 AM
Q. What is the difference between an aeroplane kit and David Beckham?
A.One is a glueless kit, the other is a clueless git.
First Division. player not noted for his modesty was regaling his friends' in the local pub.
'I came out of the ground after the match last Saturday and there were literally hundreds of fans outside waving autograph books at me!'
Noticing the sceptical looks on the faces of his listeners, he added,
'It's quite true! If you don't believe me, ask Ryan Giggs - he was standing right next to me!'
Inquisitor
09-10-2002, 12:03 AM
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in.
Loonytune15
09-10-2002, 06:21 AM
Originally posted by BRICK
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
This is why tech support was invented, all people mentioned here should be :gun3:
@dan those r some good ones lol
nuker
06-23-2003, 01:04 AM
i got a few jokes:
Q- what does a blonde do in the morning?
A- she goes home.
Q- whats long and brings children?
A- a schoolbus.
Q- why did the blode throw a chair out the window?
A- cuz shes a blonde!
Q- why did the blonde sit on the floor?
A- cuz she threw her chair out the windows (*sheesh*)...
keep on sending jokes plz :D
nuker
06-23-2003, 01:10 AM
I got another one-
A couple come to the doctor becuz the wife is about to have a baby. The doctor tells them about a new invention he made that trnsfers the wife's pain to the husband. The doctor warns them that the man isnt build for that kind of pain and sets it for 10%.
the man seems fine and says he doesnt feel a thing, so in suprise, the doctor turns it to 20%. still to his suprise the husband is in exelent health conditions and turns the knob to 50%. still the husband seems perfectly fine, and the doctor feeling weak turns the knob to 100%.
After the wife gives birth, they go home with their new baby, and when the husband opened the door, they saw the gardener flat on the floor dead.
whoever understood undestood ;)
chadahoochy
12-01-2005, 04:22 PM
when your little there called kooties
when your old there STDs.
lokesh
12-06-2005, 08:34 AM
Great thread!
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