Jokes

[Dan]

A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She recited the following story: "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"

A boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.

"No, no, no, let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"

"None!" the boy says with authority.

The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."

"It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away." "Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."

"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" He asked.

The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and she writhed in agony, turning three shades of red. "C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "One is licking the popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?"
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"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "The one who's sucking?"

"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think!" :grin2: :grin2:

[col]

lol.......good one.... i thought the same as the teacher.....j/k

[Dan]

yay.....finally a joke i tell that some1 likes :grin2:

[col]

lol.... what no one likes ur jokes or somethin??? did u make this up urself.... or u got it from somewhere...

[Dan]

i jus got told it ages ago but only just wrote it up coz i was bored and didnt know wot to do!!

[Rocol]

Bet that I can guess what you two's favourite meat is !!! :rolleyes: :D :D

[col]

how come everyones confusing me today??? like what dan wrote... "i jus got told it ages ago "... cant understand what ur trying to say.... and rocol... what meat??? whats my fav meat?? sorry if im alittle slow today...

[Rocol]

This ... :spam: ..... :rolleyes: :D :D

[col]

nah..uh... i dont like meat... im a vegetarian:D ;)

[Loonytune15]

Now that is funny and about time you got one right. :grin2:

[micro761]

LOL!

[ABA]

lol :)

[Inquisitor]

PML

[Dan]

PML??wot does that stand 4,Neway has ne1 else got ne jokes 2 post up here coz ive still gota few more :grin2: :D

[Ranger57]

I've heard that joke alot. Cmon now.
PML? progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy

[maalikkhan]

how i wish i was that popsicle ;)

[sheenu]

Hello guys,This is really very interesting Joke. I have also one joke.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

[shinn_asuka07]

nice one!

[Aivoton]

Sheenu, dude, this thread is five and half years old. Couldn't you at least have created a new topic?

[shinn_asuka07]

yeah and it starts with ranger

[hello12]

Suchta tha har mor per aap ka intezar karenge.. per, per, per, per, per, per, per, per, per, kambhakat sadak hi sidhi nikli.

[Aivoton]

yeah and it starts with ranger

Oh, right, my bad.

Ranger dude... (Repeat my last post)

[freeursoul28]

hahaha

[e$kyx10]

hahahaha soooo good

[Ranger57]

Right-o-freek of nature. My bad, dat ur a sour one. Some people need to get a life and stop harrassing me. I'll put a joke in then, ur just as lame for actually taking the trouble for telling me I must f off.

A mother has 3 daughters, they all get married on one weekend and go on the honeymoon. Now they are all virgins so the mother is worried about their first time. So she tells them to call her when there done.

So after 1 day the 1st daughter emails saying "Nescafe"
The mother goes to the cubbard and finds the Nescafe, it says " Perky with long lasting flavor."

The 2nd daughter then email saying " Rothmans"
The mother fins her husbands cigarettes, it says " King size"

Then 3rd daughter emails only a week later to a very worried mother, it reads, " SAA (South african airways.)
She quickly finds the ad in the paper for SAA, it says " 8 times a day, 7 days a week, both ways."

[JN4OldSchool]

UUGGGHHHH Zombie thread! :D

I was taking a business trip, on a commuter flight from Orlando to Pittsburgh. When we were over North Carolina the pilot came on the intercom announcing an unscheduled stop in Raleigh. As the plane came to the gate the pilot announced that this stop was going to be just over an hour and any passengers may debark to stretch their legs. Well, I stayed in my seat as everyone rushed off the plane as I didnt want to get caught up in the crowd, and, after all, there was really no hurry. After the plane had emptied I got out of my seat and noticed a blind man sitting towards the front of my section. The man was obviously blind as his seeing eye dog was quietly laying on the floor in front of him. Just as I reached the door I saw the captain come out of the cabin and approach the blind man. "Hey there Harry!" he says. Hmmm, I think, the captain must know this guy. The captain preceded to ask the blind man if he was intending to debark to stretch his legs. The blind man said no, but that his dog might like a walk. Well sir, that was the last I heard as, by that time I was out the door and entering the concourse, but as I was halfway down the hall to the terminal when I heard a huge shocked gasp from the crowd behind me. I turned to see many ghost white faces and bulging eyeballs as the shocked crowd witnessed the airplane captain walking down the tunnel leading to the plane, wearing a pair of dark sunglasses...............being led by a seeing eye dog! Needless to say the plane was almost empty for the rest of the trip! :D

[Tramadolsoma]

Cool :D :D :D

[Suspender]

hahah ;)))) *reps*

[shinn_asuka07]

lmao...do you have another one?

[Freezz]

:D:D nice one

[shinn_asuka07]

another one please

[Straticus]

I'm an engineer, so I like engineering jokes. Let's see if anyone else does ;)

First one.

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.'

Second one.

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said,
'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.'
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.'
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'
The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

If you like this abuse, I've got more :cool:

[thyrene]

Heavens Ugliest Women
Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

[meeleend]

Nice!!!!!!!!!!:)

[Nudsta]

who is joker ?

[muttal05]

fantastic joke well dne

[delsin2]

1. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.


2. Question: When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer: On their MARRIAGE.



3. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness – Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.

[delsin2]

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course! Over and over!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why are you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Every chance I get!

She: Will you hit me?

He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

She: Darling!





AFTER MARRIAGE:


Read from the bottom back to the top.

[S.L.T Chase]

^^ classic :)

[ams]

some funny jokes here :)

[quakebo]

A man is walking down the road when a guy comes up to him and say's for �200 you could have this bottle of mouth wash to which the man replied that's a rip off ok said the guy �100 and the man said still a rip off so the guy gets out a muffin and starts eating it and then ask's the man if he would like a bit and and the man say's yes please, he begins to eat some some when he then spits it out and say's that taste like ++++ to witch the guy replies thats because it is ++++ do you want to buy some mouth wash.

[manju]

No Need To Pay


The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?'

The guy answers, 'A scotch, please.'

The bartender hands him the drink, and says 'That'll be five dollars,' to which the guy replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.'

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.'

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.' The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!'

The guy says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' The bartender replies, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.' To which the guy replies, 'Thank you. Make it a scotch.'

[elianna]

All About Adam

Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, "I'm lonely I'm tired of eating apples by myself."

"Okay," God said, "I'll create a man for you."

Eve said, "A man! What's that?"

"He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won't listen very well, he'll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he'll be fun in bed."

"Sounds great!" said Eve.

"Oh, and one more thing," God said. "He will want to believe that I made HIM first."
________________________
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[poem25]

The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and she writhed in agony, turning three shades of red. "C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "One is licking the popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?"
.
.
.
.
.
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "The one who's sucking?"

"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think!" :grin2: :grin2:

Now this is a very good joke.

[Lunideth]

In eschool teacher draws a cucumber on board and asks "what thi is?". One student answers "Its a di*k". teacher starts crying and goes to headmaster and tells him that students teases her all the time. Headmaster comes to class and starts eylling at students "Stop teasing your teacher. im tired of your bad behavior" Then he looks at board atd asks. "Who the he*l drowe a di*k on a board?"

[elianna]

The Driving Test

A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the police officer.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.

So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches
masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his
wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
_______________________

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[RedCherry]

ROFL those are really funny... can't stop laughing.

[elianna]

Stairway to Heaven

A redhead, brunette and blonde were on their way to Heaven.

God told them the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and on every 5th step He’d tell them a joke. But, they must not laugh or else they couldn’t enter heaven.

The brunette went first and started laughing on the 65th step, so she could not enter Heaven.

The redhead went next and started laughing on the 320th step, so she could not enter Heaven either.

Then, it was the blonde’s turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.

“Why are you laughing?” God asked. “I didn’t tell a joke.”

“I know,” the blonde replied. “I just got the first one.”
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[reena1]

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."







2ND JOKE





On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top." jester.gif



3RD JOKE




Job Application
[Cat.: Work place ] [a] [ Calif.: 8.11]

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.




4th JOKE


A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Sure had a big dick."

[elianna]

Dead Mule

The old farmer’s mule had finally died of old age just before spring planting, so the farmer made a trip to town to buy another mule. His $125 didn’t buy much, but he was satisfied with his purchase and he made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up the mule and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him.

Early the next day, the old man returned. “Jim,” said the mule dealer, “that old mule died last night. I’m real sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring garden.” The dealer offered Jim his money back, but Jim said a bargain was a bargain, loaded the mule on his truck and left.

A couple of months later the mule dealer happened to drive by Jim’s place and was astonished to see Jim working his garden on a *NEW* $4,000 garden tractor. Honking his horn, he called Jim over and asked him how in the world he had managed to buy a tractor when not to long ago all he had was the $125 that he’d spent on the mule that died.

“Well”, Jim explains, “After leaving with the mule, I had this idea. So I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000 $2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize: Gardening Equipment. I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town.”

“Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment?”

“From you.”

“No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize.”

“I got it from you.”

“Jim, all you got from me was a dead mule.”

“I know, that’s what I raffled off.”

“My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! I’ll bet that really made a lot of people mad when they found out about it.”

“Naw, not really, the only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his $2 back.”
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